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HOW TO DETECT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

We are all more or less, emotionally manipulated by others, or wrapped around their fingers. But, on the other hand, we also know exactly how it works to achieve something the other one does not really want. We already knew how to do this when we were small. Think back to the time when you were a little girl. I am sure you knew what to do to get another ice-cream, or stay out longer in the evening.

Back then you unconsciously used mechanisms which were so effective that adults surrendered to your wishes. It is all the more surprising then that we do not notice as adults when someone tries to force their will upon us. This happens so subtly that we can only see it afterwards (if at all).

AT FIRST SIGHT IT APPEARS HARMLESS, BUT THEN …

It is one thing to captivate one’s father with a small girl’s charm until we get what we want. But once we are grown up, we are never satisfied. Then it is not about chocolate, but about putting pressure on somebody else.

Emotional manipulation is a slow process which we are not aware of at the beginning. Only when we start to feel uncomfortable because others intimidate us with their tears, screams or by withholding their love, do we notice that there is something wrong. Exactly: we think there is something wrong with US. But in reality the problem lies in the others.

The weaker one’s self-esteem, the easier it is to manipulate us, the more we feel guilty if we do not meet the other one’s expectations. And the harder we try to make everything better in order not to disappoint the other one.

THIS IS THE WAY YOU CAN RECOGNIZE EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

There are clear signs and hints that show someone is manipulating you; and sometimes this manipulation can happen subconsciously. It is often a manipulation pattern which we have seen from our parents and copied. It used to be normal and, therefore, we did not think about it.

It is well established that we women are more easily manipulated than men. Over centuries women were at the mercy of social pressure and the moods of their male companions. They did not dare to neglect the claims of the male dominated society. Although in the 21st century we have discovered the old patterns and feel equal, we still fall back into the innate or acquired behaviour patterns of our mothers and grandmothers. This might be based on the fact that at the genetic level these behaviour patterns have been passed on through generations of women. And on the energetic level through the morphologic field.

THIS IS THE WAY YOU CAN NOTICE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO WRAP YOU ROUND THEIR LITTLE FINGER

Now we come to the six typical characteristics of emotional manipulation which are all connected:

  • You are faced with demands which are at the beginning quite subtly put, for example, “I could borrow your car, couldn’t I?”
  • First you show some resistance or say NO. It might sound like this, “I don’t want to lend my car, not to anybody!”
  • The NO is not accepted and so pressure is put on you. It may sound like this, “You do love me, don’t you? Why can’t I use your car?”
  • If this does not help, the pressure is increased and, subsequently turns into a threat. In our case it might be, “If you refuse such a tiny thing like lending your car, I feel forced to think about finishing our relationship!”
  • Depending on the personality, there is either an end to putting pressure on, and the manipulator has to realize he can’t get any further, or, the next round starts. The victim can’t see any possibility other than giving in. “Well, if you really think so, then take the car. I want to have a harmonious relationship. This is the most important thing for me.”
  • Giving in lays the foundation of repeating the manipulation. If the manipulated person does not do anything against it, this situation is repeated in different areas of life. This goes on until the victim changes behaviour, forcing the manipulator to change his manipulative behaviour pattern. Maybe the relationship is even ended.

In one of my next blog from this series I will describe how to recognize people who successfully keep manipulating others.

Forward, Susan; Frazier, Donna: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

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THE RED MOON OR: THE FEMALE MENSTRUAL CYCLE (1)

When we talked about ‘Auntie Mona from Arizona’ as young girls, this was the secret word for our menstruation. It totally got on our nerves, as we felt restricted in our freedom of movement. Many of us suffered from physical problems during this time.

MENSTRUATION: SACRED OR UNCLEAN?

What we did not know as girls (we were much too young and had not received any information from our mothers): the time of menstruation was recognized and respected in ancient cultures, and  women developed certain practices to handle these strong energies in a creative way.

However, patriarchal societies discredited menstruation, as they considered this feminine power as dangerous. So the feminine cycle, which was once sacred, became something unclean. These taboos concerning menstruation are not at all restricted to primitive societies or the past, but still exist in various religions and social classes.

CONSCIOUS EXPERIENCE

A spiritual awareness which affects an increasing number of women, causes a totally new view of the menstrual cycle. Therefore, the energies during the menstrual cycle should be consciously accepted and not suppressed. This means:

  • allowing mood fluctuations on the energetic and emotional level
  • giving way to the inner need to retreat
  • enjoying the development of a stronger feminine awareness
  • noticing the harmony between the cycle of the moon and one’s own cycle
  • etc.

In her book ‘Red Moon. Understanding and using the creative, sexual and spiritual gifts of the menstrual cycle’ Miranda Gray describes four different energies that are noticeable during the menstrual cycle. I will tell you more about it in my next blog.

WHAT DO YOU RESPOND TO?

Read my questions and consider the feelings they arouse. Maybe you feel like writing down your thoughts:

  • What were you shown and told as a girl about menstruation?
  • Can you remember your first menstruation?
  • How do you feel about your days of menstruation?
  • Do you suppress your menstruation or do you consciously experience it?
  • Do you envy men because they do not suffer from the strains of menstruation?
  • Can you feel different qualities of your energies during your menstrual cycle (ovulation, after ovulation, menstruation, time before the next ovulation)?

WITH THE POWER AND WISDOM OF OUR FEMININE PRIMORDIAL NATURE

It is time to look at our menstrual cycle with different eyes. Society has gradually turned towards masculine requirements over the last decades, and we women subordinated our needs to the demands of a society dominated by males. We have more or less locked our menstruation away because it was obstructive to our physical performance. But a growing feminine awareness  has arisen amongst us women.

As soon as we recognize our menstrual cycle as a basic feminine source of energy and feminine spiritual awareness, the menstrual cycle turns into an appreciated part of our lives which we do not want to miss out on.

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LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY. WHY THE CRAVING FOR HARMONY CAN SOMETIMES COME AT A HIGH PRICE

In my childhood, which is a while back, there were toy puppies you just had to touch, and then their heads started to wobble and nod for some time. It reminds me of the way many women go through their lives, saying yes and nodding. Just because they extremely crave for harmony, or are even addicted to it.

The American talk show queen Oprah Winfrey called this widely spread phenomenon ‘disease to please’. Particularly affected are women who already learned in their childhood to be nice and good, and adapted. The symptoms of this disease are well-known:

  • They often say YES, although their hearts want to shout out NO.
  • They swallow their emotions, instead of speaking out.
  • They rather bite their tongues, instead of offending others with their opinion.
  • They hold back to make others happy.
  • They waive expressing their wishes and needs.

This may backfire! Because people craving for harmony, often trigger off misunderstanding, or even anger.

Being always friendly, saying yes with an understanding smile, does not necessarily make you more popular. On the contrary, it makes others feel insecure. People feel as if the answer is not really honest. And the body language shows whether you are really saying what you think or not.

Appearances are deceptive

People craving for harmony, do not have totally honest and open relationships. They do not only deceive themselves, but also others, without being aware of it. Behind their behaviour there is often the great unfulfilled wish for love, attention and acceptance. They show the love-peace-harmony façade, but inside there is a dangerous bubbling. An outburst of temperament, or even a separation, comes out of the blue for their partners.

Friction losses

One of the main reasons for women to keep up harmony at all costs is the fear of being left or being alone. Maybe in their childhood they had the courage to say what they did not like, but they had to experience with horror, that their honesty had consequences: maybe they were told off, or excluded from their group or circle of friends.

Drawing the line

People craving for harmony have never learned to draw the line. On the contrary. Through their behaviour they send out misleading, non-verbal invitations to sound out, or even exploit their strength, helpfulness or good nature.

Therefore, people craving for harmony are often tired, exhausted without any particular reason. But these mental and emotional border crossings are often connected with a drastic loss of energy, even though this often happens at an unconscious level.

Counting up

Barbara Berckhan describes in one of her books the people craving for harmony as ‘discount ticket collectors’. Why? Because many of them have got the memory of an elephant. They remember the favours they have done to others forever, counting them up. However, the fatal thing about it is, that the others do not see their self-sacrifice as such. They cannot guess what actually goes on in their heads. But there comes a point, when it is all too much. Just one spark of wrong emotion lets the person craving for harmony explode. And this is more destructive than criticism in good time, a refused request or an honest no.

So what is to be done?

If you have recognized yourself as a person craving for harmony, you should know that relationships do not break because you express your frustration, or fiercely bang on the table. This is by all means better than remaining silent, and swallowing your frustration and anger. Because in the long run, this threatens every relationship. It is about opening the mouth and

  • learning to say NO,
  • stating one’s opinion,
  • drawing the line in time,
  • standing by oneself,
  • abandoning the role of a victim.

It’s not easy, I know! But in the long run you will have happier and more harmonious relationships, if you do not wait until you explode. Believe me, I am still practising!

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A BATH FOR TWO WHO HAVE FURTHER PLANS

There is a book in my private library which has been sitting on the shelf for some time. It contains wonderful oil mixtures for baths for two.

As the book is out of print, I would like to disclose one wonderful recipe. Look for non-synthetic ingredients, but buy high-quality organic oils!

Ingredients for a bath for two who have further plans:

10 drops of sandalwood

4 drops of ylang-ylang

3 drops of jasmine

1 – 2 spoonfuls of vegetable oil, for instance jojoba

Mix the oils according to instructions in a little bottle and shake well before adding into your bath water.

Sandalwood, which comes from India, has a velvety-warm, balsamic and exotic-sweet scent of wood, which is said to have a euphorigenic effect. The scent of the oil is supposed to strengthen feelings of happiness and set off sexual energies.

Well then, I wish you sensual pleasure!

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THE NEW AGE REQUIRES NEW HEALERS AND NEW HEALING MODALITIES (1)

“Energy healing is a system that deals with balance. Healers do not heal, they simply create balance. The individual human reaction to the restoration of balance through healers who are balanced themselves, is what heals a person.” KRYON

The world is subject to the transformation process and its changes and this reality also affects doctors and healers. It is important that they redefine their understanding of healing and adapt it to the demands of the new age. The quotation from KRYON, cited above, drives home the point: People who want to help others with their physical or psychic issues must recognize that they are not healing, but that they are only initiating or activating the self-healing process in their client’s body. This also applies – strictly speaking – to prescribing medications, because these can change or improve the clinical view or symptoms.. When one considers healing as a holistic process, however, in which the physical body, the emotional level, the intellect and spirituality are included, then medication or surgery can only cover a part of the healing process.

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WHAT HAS THE ‚SIXTH SENSE’ GOT TO DO WITH THE 6th FEMALE CHAKRA

You’ve either got it, or you haven’t, people say. I am talking about the ‘sixth sense’, this extraordinary ability which enables us to perceive far more than our five sensory organs allow. Everybody has got a sixth sense, but usually women are more likely to use it than men. We listen to its signals and messages when we have to make decisions, or we sense something that is in the air but not (yet) visible.

Have you ever thought the so-called sixth sense might have something to do with the sixth energy centre? The sixth chakra is situated between the eyebrows, and is also called the ‘third eye’. Why? Because we can ‘see’ and perceive more with it, than with our physical visual organ, the eyes.

OUR ANCESTORS CLOSED THE ‘THIRD EYE’

But why do we women still question our sensitive perception? Do we refuse to accept abilities which connect us with other levels and other worlds? Because they are not scientifically proven? Because we are not taken seriously? Because we are laughed at?

If we go back in time, a few centuries, we come to a dark age, where thousands of women had to die, in the most excruciating pain, on the stake. Because they saw more than others (both in the past and future), because they ‘knew’ more and had extra-sensory perceptions, and because they could heal in ways that could not be intellectually explained.

Many of our female ancestors had a strongly developed sixth chakra. However, they closed it, as they feared to end up as witches on the stake, for their abilities. Even today, many women close their third eye. Their special abilities, such as clairvoyance, and being a medium, are still questioned, not appreciated, and degraded by the majority of people.

AS A WOMAN YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD SENTENCES LIKE …

  • “You are imagining things!”
  • “You and your esoteric stuff!”
  • “This can’t be scientifically proved.”
  • “You should rather deal with serious literature than spend time on chakra/meridian/kinesiology/TCM trainings.”
  • “I only believe you when I have seen it with my own eyes.”
  • “You are being carried away.”
  • “You should not believe all this crap about energy medicine. You are an intelligent woman after all.”
  • “Take antibiotics instead of this homeopathic stuff!”

WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE SIXTH CHAKRA?

Although the majority of women would say their intuition is placed in their heart because they follow their feelings, or in their stomach, because they trust in their gut feeling, it is actually situated in the sixth energy centre. The third eye works like a receiver-transmitter, absorbing all the vibrations and unspoken messages around us. It is commonly called ‘the sixth sense’.

In most cases, we women trust our intuitive perception, and our subtle sensors, more than men. And it is mainly women who have developed clairvoyant and medial abilities. Not because they can do it better than men, no. But generally, they are more likely to allow it.

They have to take unjustified criticism and blame. However, it is mainly women who write books, offer courses, and trainings, about energetic, subtle and spiritual topics, and provide healing work. It is not unusual that women have ‘inherited’ the abilities for supernatural perceptions from their mothers or grandmothers.

TYPICAL TOPICS RELATED TO THE SIXTH FEMALE CHAKRA:

  • doubting intuitive perception
  • suppressing supernatural abilities
  • not following the call of one’s heart
  • allowing others to make one feel unsure
  • being judged for one’s truth
  • keeping spiritual experiences secret
  • hiding clairvoyance

The following table (according to C.N. Shealy and C.M. Myss, The Creation of Health, 1983) shows the disorders that can correlate with a weak sixth female chakra:

organs mental and spiritual areas possible physical disorders
Sixth chakra brain

eyes

ears

nose

pineal gland

 

 fear of self-judgement

intuitive abilities

knowledge

abuse of intellectual abilities

inadequacy

fear of new ideas

paranoia and fear

refusing to learn from experiences in life

 neurological disorders

learning difficulties

brain tumour/brain haemorrhage/stroke

blindness/deafness

problems with the spine

fits

HOW CAN WE REBALANCE THE SIXTH FEMALE CHAKRA?

Just as with all the other chakras, there are various ways to strengthen and balance the sixth chakra:

  • through physical exercises, or yoga, on the energetic level
  • with the help of body-energy-work
  • with the help of mediation
  • on the emotional level through talk therapy, family settings, kinesiology, astrological sessions, etc.
  • on the mental level through positive thinking, mental training, etc.
  • on the spiritual level through transformation of karmic blockages or oaths with the help of spiritual tools
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BODY, MIND AND SOUL. IS THAT REALLY EVERYTHING?

How often have we been told that a human’s body, mind and soul need to be in tune with each other so that he or she can be or remain healthy and inwardly balanced? However, when we have a closer look at these three domains, we immediately encounter some ambiguities. After all, …

… the human body is clearly defined, there is no doubt about that …

… but what is its mind? Is it the reason, the intellect or perhaps – as some people claim – the spiritual part, i.e. the soul?

But if so, what about the soul? If it is supposed to be the spiritual or metaphysical part of a human being, where does the area of feelings, the level of a person’s emotional state and experiences, come in?

Body, mInd and soul

People who have brought their life into line with a holistic or alternative philosophy know that a healing process cannot be complete without an alignment of the emotional level and the level of feelings. So what is to be done?

How about a new, all-encompassing definition?

Namely the following:

  • Body (including body energetics)
  • Mind (intellectual level)
  • Emotions (emotional level)
  • Spirituality

This definition does not only include the bodily, emotional and intellectual/mental level, but also the spiritual one!

Graphically represented, this concept looks like this:

body, mind, soul, emotions

What does this new approach mean in practice?

CONVENTIONAL MEDICINE draws almost entirely on the bodily-energetic level in order to initiate a recovery process. This includes all measures that affect the body directly (i.e. manually, like, for example, surgery, massages, physiotherapy, etc.) but also energetically, since chemical processes (e.g. through medication, ointments, etc.) also belong to the energetic level in the broadest sense.

A HOLISTIC TREATMENT does not only involve the body including the energetic level, but also the emotional and mental level. This includes all kinds of conversational therapy, homeopathy, kinesiology, sound massages, flower and stone essences, colour therapy, Jin Shin Jyutsu, etc.

Thus, one might say that “body, mind and soul” are treated anyway. But why is that not enough in many cases? The answer is simple: because the spiritual level is not taken into account! (One needs to keep in mind that the term “holistic” must not be confused with “spiritual”; e.g. palm healing is not spiritual, but energetic.)

SPIRITUAL TREATMENTS with spiritual tools, like, for instance, the Angel Symbols, Angel Essences, Master Symbols or Master Essences, which are directly energised by the spiritual world (and not by humans), do not only reach a person’s spiritual level, but also the mental and emotional level. By this means, the bodily-energetic level is balanced out.

Through Lee Carroll, the angelic being Kryon transmitted the following information to humankind already more than 10 years ago: “I have some advice for you if you’re a healer. Would you like to make your healing abilities more profound? … For the first time I’m going to tell you that your healing abilities will be connected to the work you’re doing on yourselves – physically and spiritually.”[1] This means that healing will be less and less successful without an involvement of the spiritual level. The more spiritual a person becomes, the more important it is for him or her to draw on the spiritual level in his or her treatment.

[1] Carroll, Lee. KRYON. Lifting the Veil.

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WHY A POSITIVE BASIC ATTITUDE IS SO IMPORTANT IN A PARTNERSHIP

You might have noticed that I publish articles on partnership on my women’s blog from time to time. My readers often give me feedback along the lines of: “Why should it always be the woman who works on a partnership? It’s time for men to do something!”

Yes, I understand the frustration! And NO, I do not like thoughts like: “If you don’t do anything for our relationship, I won’t do anything either!”

In my opinion, it should not matter who takes the first step to examine, clarify or start a constructive change in a troubled relationship. In many cases, it is us women! Of course, we cannot sort out a partnership without our husbands and partners. We should, at least, know what makes a relationship happy and fulfilling again.

Therapists, who work with couples in their practice, could fill libraries with their experiences. Some actually write books with their tips. For example the German psychotherapist Hans Jellouschek.

A POSITIVE BASIC ATTITUDE IS A KEY PILLAR OF A PARTNERSHIP

According to Jellouschek, a positive basic attitude is one of the key pillars of a happy relationship. This attitude should exist in every partnership anyway, but in the course of time, with many couples, it diminishes. Whereas, a positive atmosphere, is mainly a matter of course, at the beginning of a relationship, when partners are convinced they are the perfect match, many couples have to make a conscious effort to improve their relationship after some time.

The enthusiasm about a partner decreases over time, as more and more characteristics appear which do not seem thrilling. Later this may become breeding ground for unhappiness, stress and arguments in relationships.

COUNTERING NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERE WITH POSITIVE FEEDBACK

Therefore, it needs conscious perception and counteraction to make room for genuinely positive energy in a partnership, where negative moods are slowly taking over. The first step is honest communication and positive feedback, such as, “I like your reliability”, or “I like your laugh!” or “I am so happy you are part of my life.” This sort of communication often happens on a nonverbal level, through a smile, a touch, looks and gestures.

A LACK OF DEMONSTRATING LOVE DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN A LACK OF LOVE

And now I would like to approach a topic which I have already mentioned in another article, the gender-specific differences between men and women in communication. Evidence shows that verbally expressed positive feelings have a much bigger impact on women than men. On the other hand, a lack of verbally expressed demonstrations of love by men is interpreted as a lack of love by women. In reality, this is not a real indicator of their love, but a lack of male ability to communicate.

As long as we try to make each other’s lives as pleasant, beautiful and enjoyable as possible, there will be a positive basic atmosphere in our relationships. This includes positive feedbacks which encourage, strengthen or please the partner.

I will write about another pillar of a happy relationship at a later time. In the meantime we can – together with our partner – care for positive energies in our relationship.

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WHAT ELVES, AND LITTLE GIRLS, HAVE GOT TO DO WITH HIGH-SENSITIVITY

I am sure you know these little girls who strongly remind us of fairies or elves. They often have a very tender, transparent skin, and an ethereal aura which seems to be out of this world. Most of these children (also boys) live as in a big protective bubble, in their own world, which has not much in common with the earthly one.

Maybe you were such a girl, felt and perceived more than most people around you. It was normal for you, but one day you noticed that you were different. How did you handle it?

  • Did you want to be like your friends at all costs?
  • Did you get protective armour?
  • Did you stop talking about what you can see or feel?
  • Did you feel very lonely?
  • Did you feel misunderstood, rejected or excluded?

When I was four years old, I used to live in my own world which was not available to my parents. I talked to my invisible friends, the angels, but also to my ‘husband’ Willy. I enjoyed it. For many years, I kept retreating from others, and while my friends scampered around outside, I sat in my room, dreaming, drawing, and writing fantasy stories into a thick book.

Today children, like you and me, would be categorized as highly sensitive, which does not actually help them. Except their inner circle – including their teachers – would understand what this is all about.

FINDING OUT WITH THE HELP OF TESTS, WHETHER ONE IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE

The anthroposophist Rudolf Steiner was one of the first to notice there were highly sensitive people. Only after Dr. Elaine N. Aaron published a special (self) test in 1997, could we find out for ourselves whether we are highly sensitive, or not. This did not only start a new stereotype thinking, but for the first time also provided the chance to understand and accept one’s being different.

In the meantime, you can find a great number of books which try to explain the special characteristics, abilities and chances of highly talented, highly sensitive and medial people.

FOR HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE THE WINDS ARE HARD

It is indeed not always easy to live with being different. Especially in the rough business world where a cold wind blows in our faces, which almost takes our breath away. This is why highly sensitive people want to compensate their being different with more performance. They do not want to be different, they want to fit in and be accepted.

It might be one of the most important decisions for highly sensitive people to accept, respect and love themselves as they are. Even if their high sensitivity might cause restrictions in some areas, it bears extraordinary skills. Because who can feel or know what others are thinking, what ambiguous messages really mean, what will happen next, or what the consequences of a decision might be? It is mostly the girls, elves and the highly sensitive ones, who are connected with other levels of awareness, where they get their information from.

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DO NOT ALWAYS TRY TO PLEASE EVERYBODY!

“I do not know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” (Plato)

How often do we try to please other people, because we want to have our peace, want to avoid arguments and discussions, or are seeking for love and appreciation? Although we should already know better, we fall back into these old and probably acquired patterns of behaviour from time to time.

The wish for well-being and harmony informs the nature of women to a large extent, and this is why we do our utmost so that others thrive and feel as comfortable as possible. Cost what it may! To this end, we frequently restrain ourselves, suppress our needs, bite our tongue, and take responsibility for other people and situations that do not really concern us.

You are probably already on the way towards shedding this pattern of behaviour, or you have already discarded it and left it behind you.

But, to be on the safe side, ask yourself the following questions from time to time:

  • Do I sometimes say YES, when I actually want to say NO?
  • Do I sometimes catch myself trying to impress other people?
  • Do I not want others to regard me as egotistical?
  • Do I like to avoid conflicts?
  • Do I allow my behaviour to be guided by other people’s opinions?
  • Is it easier for me to agree with someone rather than pressing my own point?
  • Do I feel responsible for other people’s well-being?
  • Do I assume responsibility for other adults?
  • Do I try to make sad or glum people happy?
  • Do I strive for the praise and appreciation of the people close to me?
  • Do I sometimes forget to draw the line?

It is easier than you might think to walk into the trying-to-please-everybody-trap and be caught in it. After all, sometimes it is very difficult to recognise the fine line between autonomy and heteronomy. But as soon as you have realised why to want to please everybody, you can easily recognise your behaviour and steer it into another direction.

This is how you can free yourself from the trap:

  • Take enough time to consider before you say YES or NO.
  • Learn to bear feelings connected with disagreements or conflicts.
  • Do not feel responsible for everything and everyone.
  • Do not lose sight of your values.
  • Do not always take the same line as other people.
  • Have the courage to stand by your opinion and needs.
  • Learn to distinguish self-love from egotism.
  • Do not think about what others might say about you.
  • Remain true to yourself.
  • Draw your boundaries, even though others might not like them.
  • Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by others.

Even though it is not always easy to discard acquired or adopted patterns of behaviour. It is worth it!

 

Women