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STOP GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY AND GIVE UP YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE! 10 Steps for women who finally want to fulfil their potential (3/10)

Susanne, a long-standing client, once told me that she was already 32 when she first went into a restaurant for dinner on her own. She felt watched by all the other guests which, of course, was not the case. It was her who could not handle this unusual situation. Why? Because for all her life she had gone out with her parents, her friends or her husband. She never thought that she could do this alone as well.

Why do so many women still have a problem with being alone?

Three answers immediately come to my mind:

  • Because they are scared of loneliness
  • Because they feel pushed to the edge of society
  • Because they do not know what to do with themselves

Many women fear being alone most of all. They prefer living in less than perfect relationships, or remaining in unhappy partnerships to living a life by themselves.

Then again there are others, such as Susanne, who feel like outsiders as soon as they attend social events on their own. They fear not to be taken seriously without a man by their side, or being approached by unsympathetic men.

Many women in solid relationships have also not learned to treat themselves with some time-out, to spend hours or days by themselves, free of partners, family or everyday life. They simply do not know what to do with themselves, cannot deal with themselves, or have not interests and hobbies they could take up.

No idea how to arrange one’s life

Many women have no idea how to arrange their life joyfully. They think they can rely on being entertained, engaged or – worst case – dictated to by others. At the same time being on one’s own offers a great deal of advantages, such as

  • being flexible
  • acting self-determinedly
  • living independently and free
  • acting with self-responsibility
  • planning one’s time freely
  • being able to make spontaneous decisions
  • getting to know oneself better

Well, still not convinced? Maybe I should carry on with some more persuasiveness in one of my next blogs!

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STAND UP AGAIN AFTER DEFEATS!

Maybe you sometimes stand in the way of yourself and your own success because your expectations are too high. Or you are too strict with yourself – or you are too scared of failing.

Whereas one group of women is motivated by failures because they are convinced of themselves and their ideas, there is another group that gives up hastily and despondently. The reasons may be various, such as

  • fear of disappointing oneself and others,
  • feeling inadequate, too weak or too incapable,
  • only accepting absolute success, no partial success,
  • not coping with any further defeats,
  • being convinced of not deserving success,
  • not feeling loveable due to failure.

Therefore, it is important to question where your fears come from. Only then can you effectively weaken their power over you.

What do success and failure, victory and defeat, or passing and failing remind you of? Exactly! Your own childhood and school time!

Already, as a little girl, you were rewarded or criticized, depending on your performance. Therefore, fear of failure is an acquired behaviour pattern which you should desperately get rid of. It is a very one-sided judgement which forgets that there are so many other aspects and qualities within you and your life that make you loveable, valuable and unique. And they are not linked to success.

Therefore,

  • see your failures as chances for learning and developing,
  • recognize and transform your fear of failure,
  • follow your aims and wishes, even if they are not yet attainable, and
  • remain faithful to yourself!

And, above all – do not remain lying on the ground after a defeat! Because as the saying goes: falling over – standing up – straightening the crown, and going on!

 

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HOW MUCH OF GODDESS ATHENA IS IN YOU?

What has the Goddess Athena got to do with the women of today? Don’t we know her from the Greek legends? True! Only if we understand what archetype she stands for and what female part Athena represents in us women, can we learn to know more about ourselves. We can explore our behaviour, our needs and our qualities in a better way.

The American psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen has been fascinated by the female soul and its facets for many years, and, therefore, she has entirely dedicated her professional life to women. She wrote down her knowledge on the different female archetypes, which is based on her work with thousands of women, in her world bestseller ‘Goddesses in Everywoman. Powerful Archetypes in Women’s Lives’. With her observations she could help her clients to discover and reawaken their strengths.

The so-called Goddesses have all along been symbols for the different aspects of the female soul. All the Goddesses-archetypes together, such as Aphrodite, Artemis, Athena, Demeter, Hestia, Hera and Persephone symbolize the different landscapes of a woman’s soul.

HOW MUCH OF ATHENA IS IN YOU?

If you want to get to know yourself better, feel within you. Which Goddess is particularly strongly pronounced in you? This time Athena is in focus.

Whilst thinking about the Goddesses-aspects of Athena within you, take care that you do not slip into judgements and stereotyped thinking. My information should only serve as inspiration:

ATHENA-SOUL ASPECTS: A BRIEF SUMMARY

Women with typical Athena-aspects are for instance intellectuals, scientists, politicians, artists and other career women

Typical topics of the Athena woman: well-groomed appearance/classic dress style – intellect – success – career – art and aesthetics – imparting of knowledge – reduction to the essential – self-control – efficiency

Typical for the Athena woman: loves intellectual challenges – only ‘heroes’ are possible partners – striving for her own career and success – critical – choosy – distance to other women – children do not play an important role – self-sufficient – very practically-minded

Shadows: weakly developed body sensation – dominating mind – control freak – emotional distance – intolerance

In my next and last blog of the Goddesses I will introduce you to the Goddess-aspects of Hestia.

 

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WHY IS IT WORTH HAVING A LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES OF LIFE

No, it is no coincidence that I have stumbled across the ‘four Indian laws of spirituality’ on the internet. Because, just like so many of you, I do not believe in coincidences any more. More likely, I see this ‘coincidence’ as a discreet hint from above to publish the spiritual laws on my blog, to make them available for many others. Here they are:

FIRST LAW: THE PERSON YOU ENCOUNTER IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT ONE

“What? Is this supposed to be a joke?” I hear some of you ask. “My ex-husband who does not want to pay alimony? My friend’s sister who ran off with my friend’s husband? My chauvinist boss who looks down on women, and treats them so? What you say about the right encounter can’t be true, can it?”

Let’s try to leave the familiar human level of thinking, and look at our lives from above. Do we still believe that our lives are determined by coincidences? What about our free will, our inner freedom? What about a higher plan, which we agreed to long ago, when we were still souls on a different level?

Nobody enters your life by chance. Everybody has got a message, learning topic or some other enrichment for you. It depends on us whether we experience these as pleasant or not. Let’s be honest: don’t we sometimes need a kick to move on, to leave our comfort zone to make progress on our developing path.

SECOND LAW: WHATEVER HAPPENS IS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

Have you ever thought, ‘If only I had not got involved with this man!’ or ‘If only I had used contraception!’ or ‘If only I had made peace with my family earlier!’

Forget about it! Everything is fine as it is! No, this is no palliation. It is an approach where you have to push the human view away, to switch to a spiritual, or at least, holistic one.

Yes, it was right and good to get involved with this particular man because only through him could you make the experiences which were important for you. It might have taken longer for you to realize than you anticipated. Maybe it took more men, who did not do you any good to make the one important experience. But it has all made you stronger, tougher and maybe a bit more independent. We learn voluntarily, but more often involuntarily. Therefore, let’s be grateful that exactly these things come into our lives which are truly important for us and our development.

THIRD LAW: EVERY MOMENT THAT SOMETHING STARTS IS THE RIGHT ONE

In former times every child could decide when it wanted to be born. There were no caesareans and labour boosters. The child came when it was the right time, when its soul said, “Go!”

Nowadays we want to plan everything: the right time for having children, marrying, making a career,… Of course, life has become very complex, and we do not want to leave things to chance. But have we ever thought of letting go of the reins, making spontaneous decisions or letting go? We have no idea what we have already missed out on because with all our planning we have interfered with our life from time to time.

Therefore: let go, relax, lean back and trust that everything that is important for us will come at the right time! If we can manage to put a little plaster on our ego’s mouth to quieten it down a bit, letting go and being in the flow will be easier.

FOURTH LAW: WHAT IS OVER IS OVER

If a carton of milk has run out of date and the contents turned sour, then it’s over with the milk. Nothing can be changed. The milk won’t get fresh any more. When your partnership is over, and love gone, it is the same. It has stopped existing. Maybe you can turn the relationship into friendship. Or you stick with the relationship because separation is a no-go. But the loving and exhilarating relationship is dead. Finished!

Yes, this can be sad and painful. It takes many people a long time to get used to it, they have problems letting go of their ideas, expectations, wishes and dreams. Not again this word ‘letting go’. We can’t hear it any longer!

The art of letting go should accompany us throughout our life, as it is a continuous stream of longer and shorter stages. And if we cannot say goodbye to them, we will not develop. This does not mean we should separate from our partners after a few years. Because the development of our love and our partnership is also a process of letting go. We say goodbye to the person we used to be for a period of time, and discover ourselves from a completely new angle. As soon as we let endings and beginnings, transformation and change consciously into our life, it will be a fulfilled and very happy one. That I am deeply convinced of!

PS: By the way, it would take me too much time to explain why I stopped believing in coincidences many years ago. The fact is that behind the superficial look to our life, there are more relevant spiritual laws which we human souls are connected with. With a higher spiritual order, so to speak. However, that is a story for another day perhaps.

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THE RED MOON OR: THE FEMALE MENSTRUAL CYCLE (2)

For a long time it was literally embarrassing, awkward, unsuitable, or even taboo, to talk about the menstrual cycle which accompanies, and shapes, the lives of every woman for much of their lifetime.

However, this taboo is by no means restricted to older generations, or to societies with a very negative image of women. Many women of childbearing age in our own modern and open-minded society still avoid talking about the female cycle.

MENSTRUAL HYGIENE – AN OLD-FASHIONED WORD

Menstrual hygiene enabled at least some sort of mobility. Women’s everyday life with all its challenges cannot be imagined without it. The use of tampons makes us women almost forget that our bodies do extreme jobs during this period (as long as we do not suffer from menstrual problems). The first Tampons already existed 4000 years ago, hand-made from leaves and natural fibres. But, for about 70 years now, they have been industrially made of cotton.

However, there have been new discoveries in connection with the use of tampons which, to my mind, should be considered.

THE FOUR ENERGETIC PHASES OF THE FEMALE MENSTRUAL CYCLE

For a number of years many women have found themselves in a process of great changes which reopens a natural access to our female body and its energy cycles. We refer to ancient knowledge, and the wisdom of former generations of women, which was passed on to their daughters and granddaughters, by the old ones through myths and legends.

Our menstrual cycle goes through four phases and is closely connected with the cycle of the moon:

  • The first phase – from the end of the menstruation until ovulation – corresponds energetically with the girl/the virgin, and is described as dynamic, inspiring and generative (referring to reproduction).
  • The second phase – the time round ovulation – corresponds energetically with motherhood, meaning the power and ability of nourishing and preserving.
  • The third phase – the time from ovulation until menstruation – corresponds with the energies of ‘witches, magicians, seductresses or bad stepmothers’, because its energy refers to magic, sexuality or creativity.
  • The fourth phase – the time during menstruation – is connected with the energy of the wise old one who retreats from the external world into the internal one in order to live her creativity.

In my third blog from this series I will describe these four phases in more detail. If you are interested in this topic, I would like to recommend the book by Miranda Grey, ‘Red Moon. Understanding and using the creative, sexual and spiritual gifts of the menstrual cycle’.

Today’s post has been inspired by it.

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THE PSEUDO-FEMININITY MADNESS

I got my first brace in my late forties… I have to admit, it was an aesthetic decision. My dentist informed me about all the health aspects of a jaw correction, but, in the end, the reason for my decision was a different one.

However, how much has aesthetics got to do with the widespread slimness mania and the excessive body culture? Are there any invisible borders which have been quietly crossed in the western world?

The fact is that…

  • … there have never been so many photos of super slim, super perfect and super wrinkle-free girls and women on the net than now. Mind you, not least because of photoshop and photo filters.
  • … it has never been so easy and affordable to ‘create’ the female body according to general taste, to wax it, to pluck, to cream, to botox, to exercise, or to starve it. In the meantime, there are not only Botox-parties and Botox-flat rates, but also special Botox offers for students.
  • … the inhibition threshold for cosmetic surgery has never been so low. Breast operations, plastic surgery in the genital area, or even chest operations, where ribs are removed to gain a slimmer waist, have been part of the common beauty culture for a long time.

The interesting thing is that most of the women do not primarily want to be prettier or slimmer, but they long to be part of certain groups in society with their styled bodies. Furthermore, most of these women suffer from a compulsion to control which also effects their bodies:

The sociologist Eva Barlösius says that women want to express an attitude with their bodies, to have control, to be disciplined, and to have a willingness to perform. As long as our ideal of beauty is connected with success and social status, nothing will change.

Whereas one group of women exercise so long and intensely that you can see a vertical furrow on their stomach, slowly a counter-movement starts to form. Bloggers encourage us to love our bodies the way they are. They stand by their cellulites, or their stomachs left by pregnancies, and a few kilos more on the hips, or thighs. The documentary ‘Embrace’ encourages women to give up the pseudo-femininity madness.

Actually this madness has not got anything to do with femininity. But as long as women do not really understand what femininity means, nothing about this female body culture will change.

But there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon: it is the ‘millennials’, the generation born between 1980 and 2000. An increasing number of these women (and men) live a healthy life style and say NO to the pseudo-femininity madness. I will talk about them in one of my next blogs.

 

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YOU CANNOT WRAP ME ROUND YOUR LITTLE FINGER ANY MORE

How often do we say YES, although we really want to say NO? And why do we actually do what we don’t really want to? Is it because we want to have peace, we do not want to be annoyed, or we do not have the strength for endless discussions? Because we don’t want to pick a quarrel? Because we are scared of upsetting or losing others?

Even now women are often educated to be inactive and quiet. Therefore, it is no surprise that they do not always say what they are thinking or feeling. But often there is real fear, helplessness or powerlessness at the root of this passivity.

DO YOU KNOW THIS FROM YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE?

_ Do others assume that you will always give in during discussions?

_ Do others still make demands on you, no matter how much you have already given or done for them?

_ Do people close to you threaten to make life difficult for you, if you do not do what they want you to do?

_ Do others ignore or neglect your feelings or needs?

_ Are you often made promises that are eventually not kept?

_ Does anyone threaten to leave you if you do not satisfy their wishes?

_ Do others call you egotistic, cold, envious, greedy or bad, if you do not react to their demands?

_ Does anybody threaten suicide, if you do not satisfy their wishes?

We will probably not immediately notice when the borders to emotional manipulation have been crossed. It is often close people, who you love and do not want to hurt, that want to wrap you round their fingers, or even put you under pressure. Or nice neighbours, who you want to get on well with. Or parents who can no longer handle day to day life without your help and support.

THREE QUESTIONS YOU OUGHT TO ASK YOURSELF:

Before you examine your relationship with somebody carefully, you should ask yourself the following questions:

_ How much can I do for the other person or how much can I give, without being fed up with him (or actually myself), angry or sad?

_ Do I deny myself and my needs when I keep giving in?

_ In which situations am I really egotistic – and when do I just set up my borders to save my space, my power, my energy and my joy of life?

Which signs you should recognize to be able to immediately notice manipulation and border crossing by others, will be a topic in one of my next blogs.

Additional literature on the topic: Forward, Susan; Frazier, Donna: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

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HOW TO DETECT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

We are all more or less, emotionally manipulated by others, or wrapped around their fingers. But, on the other hand, we also know exactly how it works to achieve something the other one does not really want. We already knew how to do this when we were small. Think back to the time when you were a little girl. I am sure you knew what to do to get another ice-cream, or stay out longer in the evening.

Back then you unconsciously used mechanisms which were so effective that adults surrendered to your wishes. It is all the more surprising then that we do not notice as adults when someone tries to force their will upon us. This happens so subtly that we can only see it afterwards (if at all).

AT FIRST SIGHT IT APPEARS HARMLESS, BUT THEN …

It is one thing to captivate one’s father with a small girl’s charm until we get what we want. But once we are grown up, we are never satisfied. Then it is not about chocolate, but about putting pressure on somebody else.

Emotional manipulation is a slow process which we are not aware of at the beginning. Only when we start to feel uncomfortable because others intimidate us with their tears, screams or by withholding their love, do we notice that there is something wrong. Exactly: we think there is something wrong with US. But in reality the problem lies in the others.

The weaker one’s self-esteem, the easier it is to manipulate us, the more we feel guilty if we do not meet the other one’s expectations. And the harder we try to make everything better in order not to disappoint the other one.

THIS IS THE WAY YOU CAN RECOGNIZE EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

There are clear signs and hints that show someone is manipulating you; and sometimes this manipulation can happen subconsciously. It is often a manipulation pattern which we have seen from our parents and copied. It used to be normal and, therefore, we did not think about it.

It is well established that we women are more easily manipulated than men. Over centuries women were at the mercy of social pressure and the moods of their male companions. They did not dare to neglect the claims of the male dominated society. Although in the 21st century we have discovered the old patterns and feel equal, we still fall back into the innate or acquired behaviour patterns of our mothers and grandmothers. This might be based on the fact that at the genetic level these behaviour patterns have been passed on through generations of women. And on the energetic level through the morphologic field.

THIS IS THE WAY YOU CAN NOTICE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO WRAP YOU ROUND THEIR LITTLE FINGER

Now we come to the six typical characteristics of emotional manipulation which are all connected:

  • You are faced with demands which are at the beginning quite subtly put, for example, “I could borrow your car, couldn’t I?”
  • First you show some resistance or say NO. It might sound like this, “I don’t want to lend my car, not to anybody!”
  • The NO is not accepted and so pressure is put on you. It may sound like this, “You do love me, don’t you? Why can’t I use your car?”
  • If this does not help, the pressure is increased and, subsequently turns into a threat. In our case it might be, “If you refuse such a tiny thing like lending your car, I feel forced to think about finishing our relationship!”
  • Depending on the personality, there is either an end to putting pressure on, and the manipulator has to realize he can’t get any further, or, the next round starts. The victim can’t see any possibility other than giving in. “Well, if you really think so, then take the car. I want to have a harmonious relationship. This is the most important thing for me.”
  • Giving in lays the foundation of repeating the manipulation. If the manipulated person does not do anything against it, this situation is repeated in different areas of life. This goes on until the victim changes behaviour, forcing the manipulator to change his manipulative behaviour pattern. Maybe the relationship is even ended.

In one of my next blog from this series I will describe how to recognize people who successfully keep manipulating others.

Forward, Susan; Frazier, Donna: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

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THE RED MOON OR: THE FEMALE MENSTRUAL CYCLE (1)

When we talked about ‘Auntie Mona from Arizona’ as young girls, this was the secret word for our menstruation. It totally got on our nerves, as we felt restricted in our freedom of movement. Many of us suffered from physical problems during this time.

MENSTRUATION: SACRED OR UNCLEAN?

What we did not know as girls (we were much too young and had not received any information from our mothers): the time of menstruation was recognized and respected in ancient cultures, and  women developed certain practices to handle these strong energies in a creative way.

However, patriarchal societies discredited menstruation, as they considered this feminine power as dangerous. So the feminine cycle, which was once sacred, became something unclean. These taboos concerning menstruation are not at all restricted to primitive societies or the past, but still exist in various religions and social classes.

CONSCIOUS EXPERIENCE

A spiritual awareness which affects an increasing number of women, causes a totally new view of the menstrual cycle. Therefore, the energies during the menstrual cycle should be consciously accepted and not suppressed. This means:

  • allowing mood fluctuations on the energetic and emotional level
  • giving way to the inner need to retreat
  • enjoying the development of a stronger feminine awareness
  • noticing the harmony between the cycle of the moon and one’s own cycle
  • etc.

In her book ‘Red Moon. Understanding and using the creative, sexual and spiritual gifts of the menstrual cycle’ Miranda Gray describes four different energies that are noticeable during the menstrual cycle. I will tell you more about it in my next blog.

WHAT DO YOU RESPOND TO?

Read my questions and consider the feelings they arouse. Maybe you feel like writing down your thoughts:

  • What were you shown and told as a girl about menstruation?
  • Can you remember your first menstruation?
  • How do you feel about your days of menstruation?
  • Do you suppress your menstruation or do you consciously experience it?
  • Do you envy men because they do not suffer from the strains of menstruation?
  • Can you feel different qualities of your energies during your menstrual cycle (ovulation, after ovulation, menstruation, time before the next ovulation)?

WITH THE POWER AND WISDOM OF OUR FEMININE PRIMORDIAL NATURE

It is time to look at our menstrual cycle with different eyes. Society has gradually turned towards masculine requirements over the last decades, and we women subordinated our needs to the demands of a society dominated by males. We have more or less locked our menstruation away because it was obstructive to our physical performance. But a growing feminine awareness  has arisen amongst us women.

As soon as we recognize our menstrual cycle as a basic feminine source of energy and feminine spiritual awareness, the menstrual cycle turns into an appreciated part of our lives which we do not want to miss out on.

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LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY. WHY THE CRAVING FOR HARMONY CAN SOMETIMES COME AT A HIGH PRICE

In my childhood, which is a while back, there were toy puppies you just had to touch, and then their heads started to wobble and nod for some time. It reminds me of the way many women go through their lives, saying yes and nodding. Just because they extremely crave for harmony, or are even addicted to it.

The American talk show queen Oprah Winfrey called this widely spread phenomenon ‘disease to please’. Particularly affected are women who already learned in their childhood to be nice and good, and adapted. The symptoms of this disease are well-known:

  • They often say YES, although their hearts want to shout out NO.
  • They swallow their emotions, instead of speaking out.
  • They rather bite their tongues, instead of offending others with their opinion.
  • They hold back to make others happy.
  • They waive expressing their wishes and needs.

This may backfire! Because people craving for harmony, often trigger off misunderstanding, or even anger.

Being always friendly, saying yes with an understanding smile, does not necessarily make you more popular. On the contrary, it makes others feel insecure. People feel as if the answer is not really honest. And the body language shows whether you are really saying what you think or not.

Appearances are deceptive

People craving for harmony, do not have totally honest and open relationships. They do not only deceive themselves, but also others, without being aware of it. Behind their behaviour there is often the great unfulfilled wish for love, attention and acceptance. They show the love-peace-harmony façade, but inside there is a dangerous bubbling. An outburst of temperament, or even a separation, comes out of the blue for their partners.

Friction losses

One of the main reasons for women to keep up harmony at all costs is the fear of being left or being alone. Maybe in their childhood they had the courage to say what they did not like, but they had to experience with horror, that their honesty had consequences: maybe they were told off, or excluded from their group or circle of friends.

Drawing the line

People craving for harmony have never learned to draw the line. On the contrary. Through their behaviour they send out misleading, non-verbal invitations to sound out, or even exploit their strength, helpfulness or good nature.

Therefore, people craving for harmony are often tired, exhausted without any particular reason. But these mental and emotional border crossings are often connected with a drastic loss of energy, even though this often happens at an unconscious level.

Counting up

Barbara Berckhan describes in one of her books the people craving for harmony as ‘discount ticket collectors’. Why? Because many of them have got the memory of an elephant. They remember the favours they have done to others forever, counting them up. However, the fatal thing about it is, that the others do not see their self-sacrifice as such. They cannot guess what actually goes on in their heads. But there comes a point, when it is all too much. Just one spark of wrong emotion lets the person craving for harmony explode. And this is more destructive than criticism in good time, a refused request or an honest no.

So what is to be done?

If you have recognized yourself as a person craving for harmony, you should know that relationships do not break because you express your frustration, or fiercely bang on the table. This is by all means better than remaining silent, and swallowing your frustration and anger. Because in the long run, this threatens every relationship. It is about opening the mouth and

  • learning to say NO,
  • stating one’s opinion,
  • drawing the line in time,
  • standing by oneself,
  • abandoning the role of a victim.

It’s not easy, I know! But in the long run you will have happier and more harmonious relationships, if you do not wait until you explode. Believe me, I am still practising!

Women