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COMMUNICATION: MEN ARE DIFFERENT, WE WOMEN TOO

When it is about the differences between male and female characteristics, we usually come across typical clichés. But this is not what my article is about. I should rather make us women aware that there are sociological differences between the sexes which we should know about. This might help us understand men (even) better.

The sociologist Leonard Benson says that girls are more related to individuals, and boys more to objects. And this is how it continues during adulthood: many men like to talk about the job, finances, cars, sport or politics. We women, however, generally like to talk about things related to other people. As already mentioned, I do not want to reinforce clichés, but we women must not be surprised if we do not always immediately find ourselves in a common basis for conversation with men.

WOMEN COMMUNICATE DIFFERENTLY AND ABOUT DIFFERENT TOPICS THAN MEN

The linguist Robin Lakoff (1) discovered the following typical differences:

_ women tend to ask more questions to keep conversation flowing; men understand questions more as a direct request for further information

_ women show more interest in their conversation partner than men who aim to prevail more in communication

_ women use more affirming words than men, such as “great!”, “beautiful!”, “wonderful!”, or “amazing!”

_ articles (in women magazines) are somehow always related to psychology in almost every area, from sex to money and nutrition

_ in men’s conversations numbers occur more often than in women’s. Men – even those whose Maths qualification tests are worse than the ones of Rwandan silverback gorillas – appreciate the security of numbers, says Colin McEnroe in the magazine ‘Mirabella’

“AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY …”

If men and women want to develop better communication with the other sex, men should talk more about people, and women more about facts. Maybe men do not find personal topics particularly interesting, and women find facts austere. But as soon as you are aware of the difference, you could at least understand better different needs for communication, accept it more easily, and react to it more ideally.

A series of blogs that can help us to see men with new eyes, understand them (even better). If you want to get more information on this topic, I recommend the book ‘You don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation’ by Deborah Tannen

(1) Lakoff, Robin Tolmach: Talking Power, 1990

Women
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WHY A POSITIVE BASIC ATTITUDE IS SO IMPORTANT IN A PARTNERSHIP

You might have noticed that I publish articles on partnership on my women’s blog from time to time. My readers often give me feedback along the lines of: “Why should it always be the woman who works on a partnership? It’s time for men to do something!”

Yes, I understand the frustration! And NO, I do not like thoughts like: “If you don’t do anything for our relationship, I won’t do anything either!”

In my opinion, it should not matter who takes the first step to examine, clarify or start a constructive change in a troubled relationship. In many cases, it is us women! Of course, we cannot sort out a partnership without our husbands and partners. We should, at least, know what makes a relationship happy and fulfilling again.

Therapists, who work with couples in their practice, could fill libraries with their experiences. Some actually write books with their tips. For example the German psychotherapist Hans Jellouschek.

A POSITIVE BASIC ATTITUDE IS A KEY PILLAR OF A PARTNERSHIP

According to Jellouschek, a positive basic attitude is one of the key pillars of a happy relationship. This attitude should exist in every partnership anyway, but in the course of time, with many couples, it diminishes. Whereas, a positive atmosphere, is mainly a matter of course, at the beginning of a relationship, when partners are convinced they are the perfect match, many couples have to make a conscious effort to improve their relationship after some time.

The enthusiasm about a partner decreases over time, as more and more characteristics appear which do not seem thrilling. Later this may become breeding ground for unhappiness, stress and arguments in relationships.

COUNTERING NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERE WITH POSITIVE FEEDBACK

Therefore, it needs conscious perception and counteraction to make room for genuinely positive energy in a partnership, where negative moods are slowly taking over. The first step is honest communication and positive feedback, such as, “I like your reliability”, or “I like your laugh!” or “I am so happy you are part of my life.” This sort of communication often happens on a nonverbal level, through a smile, a touch, looks and gestures.

A LACK OF DEMONSTRATING LOVE DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN A LACK OF LOVE

And now I would like to approach a topic which I have already mentioned in another article, the gender-specific differences between men and women in communication. Evidence shows that verbally expressed positive feelings have a much bigger impact on women than men. On the other hand, a lack of verbally expressed demonstrations of love by men is interpreted as a lack of love by women. In reality, this is not a real indicator of their love, but a lack of male ability to communicate.

As long as we try to make each other’s lives as pleasant, beautiful and enjoyable as possible, there will be a positive basic atmosphere in our relationships. This includes positive feedbacks which encourage, strengthen or please the partner.

I will write about another pillar of a happy relationship at a later time. In the meantime we can – together with our partner – care for positive energies in our relationship.

Women